The Olympics are coming, so all eyes are on Beijing, which you may recall I taught you how to pronounce properly: Bay-jing, and none of this zzhhing nonsense, unless you want to sound like an utter ass.
Now for a few words on how to eat Chinese food. In the US, I was bemused to see how Chinese food is eaten American style: each person orders a plate and eats that plate exclusively. Chinese style, each person orders a plate, and everybody eats out of every plate. You get a better variety of food that way. BTW, this also explains why Chinese like to have big crowds at the dinner table: more people, more plates, more variety of food. I watched one young lady in Boston eating a whole platter of tofu, while her friend ate a whole platter of eggplant. They could have shared. Should have.
Be brave, be adventurous, but if you don’t know what something on the menu is, ask. This is especially true in Cantonese restaurants, where they like to use literary allusions to name dishes. When I first came to Taiwan, a friend and I were intrigued by the “phoenix paws” on the menu of a Cantonese restaurant, and then very gamely struggled to finish off a whole platter of chicken claws, which is what the name disguises.
First rule of eating Chinese food authentically: never, ever put soy sauce on your rice! Would you put ketchup on a cake? Ok, I suppose some of you would, in which case, you can stop reading right here. Enjoy your soy sauce.
As a matter of fact, don’t put soy sauce on anything. I am wracking my brains, and believe that there is no dish that absolutely requires soy sauce. Try and find out what Chinese food really tastes like, not just what soy sauce tastes like.
All right, so now you’ve got your bowl of rice, and you have valiantly restrained yourself from drowning it in soy sauce. Now, hold your chopsticks with your right hand and your rice bowl with your left hand. Pick up a morsel from one of the plates on the table and transfer it to your bowl. Then, holding your bowl to your mouth, shovel the morsel and some rice into your mouth. Lift and shovel, that’s the proper way to eat Chinese food.
Chinese table manners are not very stringent, but leaving your rice bowl on the table is bad form. Eating from a rice bowl on the table is even worse. And never drum on the table with your chopsticks… but you knew that one anyway, I should hope.
When you have finished your rice, if you want more, hold the empty bowl up high and look meaningfully at the waiter or waitress, and they should bring you another bowl. If you want to save them some work, dump the new rice into your old bowl and set the new bowl aside.
If someone at your table is trying to pick some food off of a platter but, for example, it is too long, or catches on other items of food, rescue that person; use your chopsticks to twist off the unwanted portion or pull it down. However, confine your efforts to your own table. Let the people at other tables fend for themselves.
Another no-no: don’t pour sugar in your tea! This is not Indian burning-rubber-band tea, for crying out loud! It’s real tea! No milk, no lemons, no sugar, no rubbish, just drink the tea!
That said, I have to admit that outside Asia, Chinese restaurants are not going to waste good tea by serving it to woebegone barbarians who have no idea what tea tastes like. If you want good tea, come to Taiwan; stay away from Japan.
And finally, fortune cookies do not exist in Asia. They are purely an American invention. If you want to know your fortune, go to a temple, go to a physiognomist, go to a palmist, go to an astrologer, but don’t expect to have your fortune told by a cookie!
But I would like to revise something I just wrote. First rule of eating Chinese food authentically: never, ever eat at F P Chang’s.